Other Work - Satirical Piece

This was part of my English Language coursework in 2012 in which I had to do a media piece on my research into world leader’s speeches. I decided to do a satirical piece in the form of a Private Eye article. I hope that you will enjoy reading it.

So, Mr. Prime Minister, You Want to Declare War?

Private Eye has taken it upon itself, for Queen, for Prime Minister and for country, to investigate how to make a simply stunning wartime speech that Mr. Cameron deserves when declaring war in these troubled times.

      Wartime speeches are notoriously tricky little things that any leader might have to go through if their country gets into a bar brawl with their next-door neighbour after finding out they’ve been getting a bit too close with their sister. With tensions running high between Argentina and ourselves on our great and most important colony of the Falklands Islands in the south Atlantic; the people of Syria and the slightly crazed AK-47 wielding Assad and the Americans and the hardly-armed country of Iran, it may be the perfect time to start writing that all important wartime speech.

So, Prime Minister, just how do you do that? Well Private Eye has come up with, after extensive research, the most important and vital points to keep in mind when conceiving and delivering your speech. You will most definitely be judged on it sir, just like Sir. Winston Churchill and Maggie Thatcher were.

It’s Summer 2012, Olympic time, and those aggressive Argies have launched a full-scale military invasion on the Falklands: our most impressive collection as a result of the British Empire. Panic stations set in at Downing Street, but not to worry Prime Minister! Apart from having the SAS already there to defend our land - 10000miles away- to the death, you can use some pretty handy language tools in your speech to the nation. The use of inclusive and exclusive pronouns, as used without mercy by Roosevelt in World War Two, will even get those pacifists on your side. The most common pronoun that Mr. Roosevelt used to win the war was “we”, so why not do the same? Perhaps use them in this context: “We will send in the SAS. We will send in the SBS. We will send in whoever else wants to jump on our bandwagon until we defeat the Argies!”  This will definitely get the national pride swirling.

Now, after an act of aggression, depicting the enemy as coming from the seven circles of hell is extremely important. This is where the use of the exclusive pronoun comes in. Oh, Prime Minister, this is words such as “they”.  Of course, you want to distance yourself from the Argentinians morally, as we are already about 10000 miles away from them in distance. Using “they” is a wonderful tool, as you can paint a colourful picture of them in anyway you like. Perhaps, Prime Minister, use “they” in a way that suggests the Argentinians are evil, like Golem from the Lord of the Rings or the Dark Lord Voldemort. That would be sure to arouse national hatred towards them.

Prime Minister, your next assignment is to invade Syria and overthrow the Assad regime.  But after assaulting the Argentinians and clawing back the Falklands, it will be pretty hard to persuade the British public that this is the right thing to do, I hear you say. But alas! The use of sentence structure will be a handy tool in persuading them! Back in World War Two, Roosevelt used sentence structure marvelously to get the Americans on his side, and you will do the same. Using simple and more complex sentences will not only tell the facts, but will put across blunt statements as to why this needs to be done. “We need more oil”. No wait, that’s not why you want to invade there, I apologize Prime Minister! I meant to say, “We need to liberate the Syrian people. Immediately.” This contrasting use of sentence will enable you to both persuade the people against the Assad regime, and tell them exactly why this needs to be done.

So now, Prime Minister, we are off with the Americans, as a result of your bromance with Obama, to go bash the Iranians and Ahmadinejad. Using repetition in your speech will wreck havoc upon the enemy, as well crafted use of repetition is proven by Iran’s top doctor to ensure the heads of the enemies explode, as their brains cannot process the use of repetition aimed at them. When you repeat the same phrase at the end of every sentence, you have your own war hero already, as this will arouse the patriotism of your countrymen. As Churchill said, “We shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans...” Not that you will be fighting the Iranians on the seas or on the oceans, Prime Minister, rather in the deserts and the uranium enrichment plants.

Keeping up morale is difficult, stressful and vitally important. Morale is the key to winning a war. Don’t become another Stalin and send wave after wave of men at the enemy. This drastically reduces morale. Instead, use verbs that state things are going well for you, such as Churchill changing the magnificent defeat at Dunkirk into a sensational victory. So, if the British army are scattered all across the Persian Gulf after being defeated by the kebab-loving Iranians (which will never ever happen under your leadership Prime Minister) aim to be positive. Perhaps say, “we beat a hasty retreat, but we poisoned all their lamb meat!” Defeat, turned into a morale-boosting ploy by using verbs. (They are “doing-words” in case you were wondering, Mr. Hague).

There you have it. You’re very own guide to declaring and delivering a wartime speech in this desperately troubled age. So Prime Minister, when you eventually declare war on the Argentinians, or the Syrians, or the Iranians, use this guide to full effect, as the British people will need a lot of persuading. Unless, of course, you become a dictator. Then we won’t have a choice.

(Private Eye takes no responsibility for the rise of the Prime Minister turning into a dictator as a result of reading this article).